From Morning Liquor Chronicles, June 24, 2012, by Happy McPhunster: Song lyrics are odd. Not that they’re odd like “Bend up and smell my anal vapor your face is my toilet paper” from the song Golden Showers by The Mentors.. They’re odd because they are often hard to parse and this difficulty results in making up lyrics that are infinitely less sensical than the intent of the original. Even if the actual lyrics become known – using the interweb thing, or because friends make fun when they hear you singing your moronic song customizations, we often just stick with the make believe words anyway. So, with a clunky segue, here is my list of people and their stupid and wrong made up lyrics: Jeff J (local broke idiot who accepts money at his regular bar for ingesting hideous food concoctions – such as a Tuna and orange sherbet shake): The song Oh, Sherrie by Steve Perry starts off with “You shoulda been gone.”  Not “Cinnamon dough.” If it were Cinnamon dough, it would need to be mixed with egg salad and beets in order for it to be truly meaningful to you.  Sharon F (chick from college who would laugh uncontrollably at the word “pee” and who looked like Fred Flintstone when Fred Flintstone dressed as a woman). The chorus in Good Lovin‘ by the Rascals is not “True love.”It’s in the name of the damn song. Pee. Rich N (my brother and my equal in terms of face-farting while the other party was asleep), you get a special mention for the AC/DC classic being reworked from […]

Browsing Posts published by Working Class Woman

Wholey Latex Cow
Posted by:
January 5, 2012
Is it just me or was there some better purpose for latex than what was a wonderful hole-in-the-wall bar experience? At some point, after you have had your 6th or 7th Jager Bomb and are now sweating the stuff out since you can’t breathe with that much latex holding in the extra dinner rolls, you might think to have a glass of water because I surely am not going to pick your big ass up off the floor.

Some bad version of a slip and slide. Then there was the crash and burn… after asking my friend is she would unzip the back of your top so you could air out and let the rest of us not enjoy the new folds in your life, but also something to the effect of a giant beach ball of an ass – a really scary one I hope never to see sold in the pool-fun aisle. Also, the wonderful scent that latex and Jager give off by 2 a.m. Dear latex people, please don’t ever do this to me again.

Though, thank you alcohol for making this, and everything worthwile, possible.

 


 

 

Morning Liquor Chronicles none
Tropical Shirts are in!
Posted by:
December 11, 2011

I’ll start this one off by saying that it is a third party story all around but something that needs to be shared…

So within the last month there has been a change in my friend circle slightly. Now more uncomfortable laughing is involved. Let’s start at the beginning.

There’s this guy who we will call Bear. Now Bear loves tropical shirts and is probally from someplace where that is acceptable on a regular basis. Yet also loves those man tank tops that the extended arm pit cut that tends to show glimpses of man boob as well as hints to how fuzzy ones frontal profile is. Hangs at the bar shooting the shit with the boys and is on several hook up sites. Bear also has attempted a couple of craigslist dating adventures and swears that this 22 year old with a model photo is legit and is willing to sign up for her site…

Bear likes to get drunk. So one afternoon Bear calls a friend to inquire on how they were and if he would meet him for a drink as well as ask about his bed; how old is it? Thinking about buying a new one? Wanna come over and lay on my cool bed to see if you like it? WAIT! What the hell was that last part? The week goes on… Bear inquires the same friend at the bar after a couple of shots. ” So, I am kinda broke right now, lost some money in the stock market, and I need to sell some of my antiques. Do you think you can help? I don’t know exactly how I would be able to pay you but I can rub your back for as long as you want. Don’t worry I have some nice scented candles and massage oils. WAIT! What the hell was that last part?!?!

So as stories are suspose to go they have conclusions, not this one. Bear is still out there, sitting at some bar, hoping to do a shot and have some man talk. Think about that next time your sitting by some dude in a sweet tank top or tropical shirt.

Morning Liquor Chronicles none