I never laugh harder than at a good prank. That shit on Jackass where the giant, spring loaded boxing glove pops out from behind a handbill and whomps that midget dude (little person male) makes me crap myself. I guess it goes back to my first ring and run. We had this neighbor – the Kellers. They used to fight so prolifically and so vociferously, that all the abutting families would leave their doors open for the live dinnertime entertainment. Also, the Kellers’ son, Big D, grew up to be one of the best drunks in a four-town radius. The DUI with kids in the car is always a laugh fest. Who doesn’t love a good couple of tangents?

Meanwhile back at the ranch (more like the spa – it was an entirely Jewish neighborhood), the Kellers would actively seek out the perpetrators of a ring and run. We would all scramble to different hideouts and watch the hunt and listen to the threats. To us, sheltered overfed little shavers, it was like there was horseback perched posse with torches after us and Mrs. Keller was the wizened yet wise sheriff.

Rather than go through the pedigree and ramifications of all the pranks hatched by yours truly, let me present a list with commentary:

The Surf’s Up: Take a garbage barrel to the front stoop of a house. Hint – the door must open in. Fill garbage barrel 3/4 way with water. Hint – outdoor spigot with hose must be nearby. Lean barrel slightly against door. Ring doorbell and run like hell to observation point. When the occupant opens the door – SURF’S UP! If you have the balls, the prank is enhanced by playing the Hawaii-50 theme from a boom box at the exact point the door is opened.

SUCCESSFULLY PERPETRATED ON THE FRIEDMANS, Summer, 1984.

The McDonald’s Ashtray: Many won’t remember the time one could smoke inside a McDonald’s. But you could (Burger King too).They had these little, soft aluminum, disposable type ashtrays. For those with stunted imaginations, here:

I spent a day filling a jar with pee. In other words, a day like any other day. I then portioned out the pee into about 17 stolen McDonalds ashtrays. Have I mentioned that smoking was once permitted there? Then I placed the pee-trays in the freezer. About three hours later I retrieved these dastardly little dishes and people’s doors. So, Brandeis University class of 1989, if you ever woke up in the morning and stepped in a mysterious puddle in your door room – that was probably my piss.

The Conference Call: In my house we had the parent’s phone line and the kid’s phone line (before texts and cell phones. Yeah, I know, I’m old and farty. We had Atari though. Imagine a blue zig-zaggy line, then imagine that blue zig-zaggy line is Superman). Again, for the internal-visualizationally challenged:

Before conference calling was even available to residences (and this prank works just as well and it’s a lot easier now), I realized there was more to having two phone lines than plain convenience. I was able to rig them together so I could place a call to two separate people and all three of us could hear each other. Then I realized that I could place a call to two separate people and they’s hear each other and I clam up. Each would think that one dialed the other. So of course I started calling couples who had recently broken up. If the timing worked out just fine, they’d each pick up at about the same moment and say hello. I’d say nothing. Here’s an excerpt:

“Hello.”

“Hello.”

“Who is this?”

“You called me.”

“No I didn’t, you called me.”

“Bruce?”

“Chantal?”

“What the fuck do you want?”

“Bitch, you called me.”

“No I didn’t. Why would I call you after you fucked that cunt Missy under the bleachers – under the fucking bleachers – like a rabid fucking dog – don’t you even have a fucking car anymore?”

“Is that why you called, to bitch about my choice of fuck spots?”

“You fucking called me!”

“So what happened to you car – did you get shitfaced and wreck it again.”

“No. Did you decide to get a new boyfriend and NOT fuck him for a month TOO?”

~

So… do we all get the point? Phones can be so fun. Calling up the hardware store and asking for black caulk is good too, but Bruce and Chantal was better.

SUCCESSFULLY PERPETRATED SEVERAL TIMES DURING SENIOR YEAR IN H.S (Class of 1985).

That should whet your appetite for childish and douchey behavior. Check back early and often for updated editions.