Dear LEO:

My girlfriend denied me morning sex the other day so I rolled over and went back to sleep for a few minutes. When I woke up I still wanted sex but only like 10 minutes had gone by and I didn’t want my GF to be pissed for waking her up again. So I just beat off in bed. About 1 minute into it she grabbed me by my dick and called me a fucking pig. Two questions – what should I do -and- am I?  ~Useless in Utica

Dear USELESS: You -are- a pig and your girlfriend needs to respect your space a little more. At least if she’s going to grab your junk she should finish off the job thank you. Buy one of those little things they use in surgery so the patient can’t see what the doctors are doing, place that between you after you get the morning Heisman, and have at yourself like a caged chimp – that is, pretty much what you are after all.