{"id":470,"date":"2011-12-01T21:56:59","date_gmt":"2011-12-02T03:56:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dev.bastardsquirrel.com\/?p=470"},"modified":"2012-03-17T15:29:04","modified_gmt":"2012-03-17T20:29:04","slug":"man-with-the-golden-plun-ger","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bastardsquirrel.com\/site\/2011\/12\/man-with-the-golden-plun-ger\/","title":{"rendered":"Man With The Golden Plun (ger)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I take big shits. I mean I’ve seen some of the detritus left in the hoppers at airports and bars and have concluded that mine are titanic sized turds. Not like a cinderblock of course, more like a baguette, but less crusty and less like to enjoy with butter and some peppy apricot preserves. It’s not because I eat excessively, it’s because… actually, I’m getting sort of off topic. I want to talk about clogged toilets.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, when you know you’ve dropped some serious loggage, you pray for the “gurgle.” That’s the noise the toilet makes after it has cast your foulness right the fuck out of your house – it makes a gurgle – or a glug glug glug kind of thing. This is especially important when you’re early on in a relationship and you’re at your bf\/gf place. Then the “gurgle” becomes prayer worthy.<\/p>\n

If you don’t hear the gurgle then it’s plunger time. If you’re at home, it’s no biggie, but kind of a hassle because shit is gross, and mashing it up with an implement is even grosser. I sometimes wish for certain bad people to die and be reincarnated as a plunger – not a lot of people, but people like Bernie Madoff and Guy Fieri come to mind.<\/p>\n

However, if you’re at the home of your new squeeze, then the worst seven words that can possibly be uttered are “Honey, where do you keep the plunger?” Well, “Is this blood coming from my penis,” or \u00a0“I just jiggled your Golden Retrievers nuts” aren’t beauties either, but I think the plunger one is the worst.<\/p>\n

The larger point is that the plunger, despite its low caste, holds a position of tremendous prominence and stature in the household. It’s the only thing that can do the intended job. You can use the little file part of the nail clipper as a screwdriver, or a lighter to open up a non-twist top beer, but there is no understudy for the plunger. Your hands aren’t the answer – trust me on that.<\/p>\n

Next time you’re in Home Depot check out the array of plungers (sometimes referred to as force cups and “tuffatore” in Italian). They range in price from around six dollars all the way up to about eight dollars. Let’s say they average seven dollars. Seven bucks for something you’d pay $100. Maybe even $1,000 (remember, you get 10% of your purchase if you open a Home Depot credit card – so $900). Seriously, the plunger people should get together and fix prices. So, the next time one of those brown burglars sneaks out your back door and doesn’t make a clean getaway – thank the plunger people for doing what they do so well and at such a reasonable price.<\/p>\n

PS. It’s best NOT to take a dump at the home of your significant other until your well established. Jiggle the dog’s balls anytime you want though.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I take big shits. I mean I’ve seen some of the detritus left in the hoppers at airports and bars and have concluded that mine are titanic sized turds. Not like a cinderblock of course, more like a baguette, but less crusty and less like to enjoy with butter and some peppy apricot preserves. It’s not because I eat excessively, it’s because… actually, I’m getting sort of off topic. I want to talk about clogged toilets. Sometimes, when you know you’ve dropped some serious loggage, you pray for the “gurgle.” That’s the noise the toilet makes after it has cast your foulness right the fuck out of your house – it makes a gurgle – or a glug glug glug kind of thing. This is especially important when you’re early on in a relationship and you’re at your bf\/gf place. Then the “gurgle” becomes prayer worthy. If you don’t hear the gurgle then it’s plunger time. If you’re at home, it’s no biggie, but kind of a hassle because shit is gross, and mashing it up with an implement is even grosser. I sometimes wish for certain bad people to die and be reincarnated as a plunger – not a lot of people, but people like Bernie Madoff and Guy Fieri come to mind. However, if you’re at the home of your new squeeze, then the worst seven words that can possibly be uttered are “Honey, where do you keep the plunger?” Well, “Is this blood coming from my penis,” or \u00a0“I just jiggled your Golden […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-470","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sitting"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bastardsquirrel.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/470","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bastardsquirrel.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bastardsquirrel.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bastardsquirrel.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bastardsquirrel.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=470"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/bastardsquirrel.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/470\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1084,"href":"https:\/\/bastardsquirrel.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/470\/revisions\/1084"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bastardsquirrel.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=470"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bastardsquirrel.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=470"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bastardsquirrel.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=470"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}