Bastard squirrel himself has tube socks that would shatter into 150 pieces if they fell off the computer desk.

Ahh, both equally delicious.

Oh, that’s right, you always have that big smile and super-duper attitude. Suck it.

Hey, how was that bottle of Triple Sec and the Nickelback concert? What time did your parents pick you up?

Give Homo Erectus a fish, feed him for a day, teach Homo Erectus to fish, piss off religious weirdos.

But mom, that doesn’t smell like coffee. Shuddup – it’s a brown liquid ain’t it? Now put on your seatbelts.

Fuck you Jimmy Buffett, and you too Alan Jackson. I Didn’t need your country trash to make me feel okay whenever I’m keepin’ it real.

Actual good advice from grandpa. Grandpa also told me to avoid the clap. Smart man.

Not now honey, Daddy’s getting his tweak on. I’ll help with your math homework in a little while.

Why, why did you forsake me for a multi-millionaire porn star who owns a chain of Ferrari dealerships. WHY?? But I sincerely hope you’re happy.

Why are you even looking at this, douchebag?

Job hunting is friggin bullshit anyway, and Angela from The Office would chuckle if she saw it. Cat-chicks can be hot once in a while.

A fine display of your patriotic commitment, appreciation of justice served, and a little rememberance of the food from your high school cafeteria.

This one won’t get you laid, but Italian food is always good.

Pictograms that make references to conservative politics and scrotums satisfy many demographics.

Tonight they’re gonna party like it’s 1939. Nana, why does it smell like tinkle in here?

I told my parents I had 5 beers last night and they said they were scared for me. Good thing I didn’t tell them about the 6 other beers, 4 Vegas bombs, 2 Sambuca shots, and when I ran out of money I squeezed the bar rag into a glass and drank that.

“Go look after my child you [c-word] whore, I hope she doesn’t turn out like you.” That says it all. Mel is an ass. Oh wait, he was Mad Max, it’s all cool.