LEO: My girlfriend of 10 months has been hinting, in not so subtle ways (even posting on her bloody facebook) that she’d love a ring for our 1 year anniversary. She seems to intertwine high-end jewelry store names in conversation. Like blah-blah-blah just got a gorgeous tennis bracelet from this store and blah-blah-blah is looking at earrings from that store. That’s only part of the problem. In the week or so she has been experiencing some feminine problems. She does pass some genital-area wind here and there. At first it wasn’t that big a deal, but now there is an odor associated with it sometimes, strong sometimes. I googled it and it may be a condition called Fistula. I tried mentioning it over coffee this morning and she just put me off and said it goes away and all women experience this to some degree at varying points in their lives. I know you aren’t a doctor, but thought I’d give you a try  as to how to handle these tricky situations.

~ Nigel, Shropshire, U.K.

Nigel: Sounds like you’re the one with Fistula – a fistula right up your ass. Hmmm… gold digging woman with little regard for your life’s timing or goals, posts teenage-girlie-ass bullshit online, and emits mustard gas from her vagina… and calls it normal. Sounds like nothing could possibly go wrong there. You’re right, I am no doctor, but I do like walking around with a lab coat. My advice is to get two corks, one for her mouth and one for that jr. version of Mt. St. Helens she’s sporting down there. Before you decide on the ring celebrating 12 months together, for your 11 month anniversary you should get her a gift card to a gynecologist.

LEO: I was watching America’s Test Kitchen on PBS last weekend and there was an impressive recipe for beef stew. It looked so thick and hearty and the hosts gushed over it. So, yesterday I made it. I followed the recipe to the letter, and at the end, when it suggested adding gelatin as the thickener, I did. But it didn’t work. I refrigerated the whole mess and revisited it in the morning. Then I realized the gelatin DID work. I now have a beef chunk and carrot Jello mold. It’s gross. It looks like a big bowl of that chick Precious – from the movie. Now I’m out like 40 bucks and don’t want to throw it out. What to do?

~ Chef Stef

Dear Chef: Two things: 1) Throw it out on your neighbor’s lawn but be in a crouch when you’re doing it – in the crouch with your hands behind your back dump it. It’ll look like you just blew ass like a rhino. You will get your $40 back in entertainment value. 2) Get the fuck out of the house more often… watching PBS on a weekend afternoon?? LOSER.

Dear LEO:

I am building a deck for a job I found on craigslist. The only problem is I don’t know shit about deck building but I really need the money before I go back to school.

~Not a very good carpenter

Dear NOT GOOD:

Simple, tell them that you need half up front to buy materials. Then off you go back to whatever GED prep. school you’re going back to. If they balk at the idea just tell them “No check, no deck” and move along to the next craigslist meathole.

LEO: So my girlfriend, let’s call her Candice, finally moved in with me. She had lost her job and I thought it would be a good way of giving her a safety net. From day ONE she was weird and distant and the sex was essentially gone. She claims she’s feeling unsexy, having repressed memories, she thought she saw a spider (she’s terrified of spiders), blah blah blah. The other night she said I could dry hump her. Boo.  Should I be supportive or show her the door?

~ My penis has become strictly a urinary device

Dear Penis: Your girlfriend, let’s call her Cuntice, is afraid of spiders and your genitals. Listen to me carefully when I tell you this: SHE IS BANGING SOMEONE ELSE. Get a pet tarantula TODAY.

Dear LEO:

My girlfriend denied me morning sex the other day so I rolled over and went back to sleep for a few minutes. When I woke up I still wanted sex but only like 10 minutes had gone by and I didn’t want my GF to be pissed for waking her up again. So I just beat off in bed. About 1 minute into it she grabbed me by my dick and called me a fucking pig. Two questions – what should I do -and- am I?  ~Useless in Utica

Dear USELESS: You -are- a pig and your girlfriend needs to respect your space a little more. At least if she’s going to grab your junk she should finish off the job thank you. Buy one of those little things they use in surgery so the patient can’t see what the doctors are doing, place that between you after you get the morning Heisman, and have at yourself like a caged chimp – that is, pretty much what you are after all.

Dear LEO:

My girlfriend has a daughter who is a friggin brat. I clench my teeth and smile a lot. She asked me if she could have some money for the ice cream man. I told her no. Then she hit me with their cat. Is this me being insensitive to the kids ice cream request and/or animal cruelty?

~Dan

Dear DAN: Original screen name. With an imagination like yours, in the event of a breakup, she could only find someone to top you if she dates Walt Disney. Back to the little lactose swilling brat… next time tell her she can have money, but only after the ice cream man starts to pull away, forcing her to lend brief chase but to no avail. When she comes back dejected, you can hand her the cat and explain that girls who are nice to animals generally get ice cream.