LEO: My girlfriend of 10 months has been hinting, in not so subtle ways (even posting on her bloody facebook) that she’d love a ring for our 1 year anniversary. She seems to intertwine high-end jewelry store names in conversation. Like blah-blah-blah just got a gorgeous tennis bracelet from this store and blah-blah-blah is looking at earrings from that store. That’s only part of the problem. In the week or so she has been experiencing some feminine problems. She does pass some genital-area wind here and there. At first it wasn’t that big a deal, but now there is an odor associated with it sometimes, strong sometimes. I googled it and it may be a condition called Fistula. I tried mentioning it over coffee this morning and she just put me off and said it goes away and all women experience this to some degree at varying points in their lives. I know you aren’t a doctor, but thought I’d give you a try  as to how to handle these tricky situations.

~ Nigel, Shropshire, U.K.

Nigel: Sounds like you’re the one with Fistula – a fistula right up your ass. Hmmm… gold digging woman with little regard for your life’s timing or goals, posts teenage-girlie-ass bullshit online, and emits mustard gas from her vagina… and calls it normal. Sounds like nothing could possibly go wrong there. You’re right, I am no doctor, but I do like walking around with a lab coat. My advice is to get two corks, one for her mouth and one for that jr. version of Mt. St. Helens she’s sporting down there. Before you decide on the ring celebrating 12 months together, for your 11 month anniversary you should get her a gift card to a gynecologist.