If you live in Central Texas or Northern Mexico, the predominant supermarket chain is called HEB. One might think that’s where people go to buy Jews, but as it turns out, that’s Steinmart. While that could be an interesting, albeit short thought all on its own, it’s not. Nor that it’s not interesting and short, there’s more.

There’s vastly different ranges of HEB stores. Some have electronics departments and sommeliers, others have lurking meth heads.  Not long ago I was in one of the tweaker HEB stores and was checking out with my usual, I know this won’t be close to enough, 12 pack of domestic beer and noticed the next-in-line person’s basket. Of course the fact that she was four-ten and four-ten (height and weight) kind of drew my eye (in the way that a steaming landfill draws the nose) as did the dime sized oddity on her face.

In that basket were some condoms. Okay, she has a willing sex partner, or she’s going to fill them with mustard and toss them into traffic. Small shudder either way. Then she gets to the front, unloads said basket, and onto the conveyer is placed seven… huge shudder… Massengill douches.  It is SO rare to use the word douche accurately, but this is what’s happening in front of my eyes. Then she unloads the condoms… two packs of 24. Now I am convulsing. Admittedly, I’m not expert on female plumbing but it seems to me that when the douche is needed that’s like the gynecological equivalent of calling Roto Rooter. Ick.

Add the fact that she looks like one of those pig guards standing post in front of Jabba’s castle, and someone is sleeping with her up to 48 times – it’s mind numbing. Then again, maybe she’s a prostitute. If that’s the case I guess I feel badly. If she’s having unpaid, consensual sex then she’s likely happy. Either way, guys will bang anything.