LEO: So my girlfriend, let’s call her Candice, finally moved in with me. She had lost her job and I thought it would be a good way of giving her a safety net. From day ONE she was weird and distant and the sex was essentially gone. She claims she’s feeling unsexy, having repressed memories, she thought she saw a spider (she’s terrified of spiders), blah blah blah. The other night she said I could dry hump her. Boo.  Should I be supportive or show her the door?

~ My penis has become strictly a urinary device

Dear Penis: Your girlfriend, let’s call her Cuntice, is afraid of spiders and your genitals. Listen to me carefully when I tell you this: SHE IS BANGING SOMEONE ELSE. Get a pet tarantula TODAY.